The Language of Love by Barbara Zizza.

So often people will fall in love with someone because of the potential they see in that person. "I know that they could be exactly who I want if they would just ________." It's a touchy subject - potential. We meet someone who is so likeable, attractive, enjoyable to be around, and if they could only feel better about themselves, or let go of that old relationship, or move away from their parents, or find a more suitable job, we could be so happy together.

There can be many reasons why someone has not reached their potential. We can make it our life mission to sort through and fix them or we can have compassion for that person and offer them what ever we can to help in their growth and healing while at the same time recognizing the limitations of a relationship with them. Because if our pattern is to rescue or loose ourselves to a partner where is the growth and healing for us? There is a difference between trying to build a relationship on something as ephemeral as potential and entering a relationship cognizant to who you both are in the here and now, including short-comings.To know who you want as a partner know who you are as a partner. What qualities do you bring to a relationship? Where do you see your work needing to be done? What are you willing to reveal to yourself so that you can consciously reveal it to someone else?

Language is so important in having what we want. If we are looking at someone's potential we are seeing what we believe they can be in the future. If I say the affirmation, " I will love and approve of myself" then I will, some day. If I want it now it needs to be said in the present tense, "I love and approve of myself". The mind understands the difference between here and now, and somewhere down the road. To have the love you want you need to have the person you want here and now. "My perfect partner is here now." We can spend time waiting for our partner to reach their potential and become our perfect mate or we can use that time to create a place in our lives for our perfect mate to walk in. It's the choice between being a victim of our own feelings of unworthiness and being in control of our life. Believing on some level that we are unworthy of a relationship with someone who truly loves us and who we don't feel a need to change means that we are not in love with ourselves. When we believe we are loveable and we deserve someone who meets our needs and relates to us as an equal we have crossed the bridge to self love and acceptance. This again is why we need to look at what we bring to a relationship and what we expect of ourselves. What do we believe we deserve? If we are attracted to people who are unattainable, ie: married, too busy, it's the same as people we see the potential in. There's nothing real in the here and now. What is that saying about our own belief that we deserve a healthy and fulfilling relationship today?

The other day a man called and asked that I tell him if his girlfriend is having a sexual relationship with her former boyfriend. He said that he intuitively believed so, that there was physical evidence to support this in their home, and that two other psychics he had called confirmed it to be true. I was getting ready to leave when I took this call so my response was brief but I don't know that the content would have been different if we had been meeting for an appointment. I remarked on his intuition and asked why he didn't trust it and the physical evidence, and why he was searching for a psychic who would say that his girlfriend was not involved with someone else. I asked him to look at why he was in a relationship with someone he does not believe to be honest with him and who earlier had told him that she still had feelings for her former boyfriend. And I asked him to look at what he wants in a relationship and if he can get that with her. His phone call inspired this article because I began wondering - is he with her because he sees the potential for a loving relationship with her if she can let go of her former boyfriend? Or does he feel a need to rescue her by helping her to let go of the old relationship? What is she telling him when she leaves blatant evidence letting him know she has been with someone else? In the here and now what do they each get from their relationship? Is that what they want? How can they each create a healthy loving relationship either with each other or with someone else? I believe it comes back to each of us knowing ourselves as well as we can so that we can know our motivations and needs and the difference between someone completing us and someone enhancing us. There's an addiction aspect to believing that we need someone so that we can be whole or complete on a daily basis and in wanting to change someone to meet that need. The message to the person we try to change is that they are not ok the way they are. Not only does this hurt their feelings but it also brings the question why do we want to be with a person we don't believe is fundamentally ok the way they are?

Releasing the addiction to unfulfilling relationships can be like releasing a physical addiction. It starts with deep and careful examination of the self and taking responsibility for what we find there. Looking at our insides instead of looking outside ourselves to change others while we live in our unconsciousness and dysfunction. One of the big steps in release of addiction is forgiveness of self and others. Taking responsibility and forgiveness are each key to creating healthier and consciously aware relationships with others.

I believe there is a love partner for everyone. I know that when we can accept ourselves as perfect exactly as we are we will accept them as well. Perfect doesn't mean without flaws. It means that right here, right now we are consciously aware of who we are and we love ourselves. It will follow from our unconditional love of ourselves that others will openly love and accept us as we are and that we will attract a mate in whom we recognize the same evolution.